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19 July 2008 @ 12:39 pm
Luau Fic for Falafel and Kayim.  
Title: Slam!
Character: Boone, Shannon, Charlie, Hurley, Sawyer
Rating: PG 13
Words: 1400
Warning: Set sometime around Solitary.
Summary: My apologies for its lateness. This fic is for Queen falafel_musings who wanted the S1 ensemble. It won Best Humour Fic in September 2008 and Feel Good Fic of the Year in Best Damn Fic of 2008 at lost_fic_awards.


banner by janie_tangerine

x x x

“Listen, learn, don't get involved. I want lists in 3 days. Go.”
-Ben, Tale of Two Cities

x x x

“I’m sooo bored.” Shannon flips from her stomach onto her back, and peeks under the edge of her bikini bottom to check her tan line.

Boone pauses in his whittling and points his stick turned spear at her. “Shan, you used to pay thousands of dollars to do just this every spring break.”

“Crash in my plane? Get eaten by bears? Stop breathing?”

“Lie on the beach all day, doing nothing.”

“Pfff …,” she dismisses Boone and settles back onto her towel, shifting gears. “God, they’re sooo annoying.”


“Everyone.” Shannon tosses her head in the direction of the laughter. “But those two morons especially.”

Boone glances up to see Hurley and Charlie break their huddle. “They’re coming over.”

“Make them go away,” she huffs, while at the same time repositioning herself in a pose suitable for a Playboy centrefold.

“Hello, Boone. Shannon,” Charlie says, with a wide grin. Beside him, Hurley stood, looking torn between embarrassment and curiosity.

“Hello,” Boone replies.

“Have you been doing some writing, mate?”

“What?” Boone asks.

“You know, making a list, checking it twice.”

“Charlie, let’s just leave them alone,” Hurley says sheepishly.

“Gonna find out who’s naughty or nice?”

Boone sticks his spear into the sand and stands. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“So you’re not the author of this?” Charlie unfolds a piece of loose leaf and holds it in front of his chest. The handwriting was atrocious and a lot of the ink was smeared, still Boone could make out that it was a list of some sort with the words good scrawled across the top. Charlie turns the paper around to show him another list on the other side under the word bad.

Boone shakes his head, not understanding. “What is this?”

“Number one in the ‘good’ column is Dr. Jack Shephard: handsome, a surgeon,” Charlie reads from the sheet in a voice of a smarmy American game show host. “Lacks an instinct to lead but people follow him anyway.

Boone’s eyebrows knit together. “Why would you think I wrote that?”

“Um…cause you like Jack?” Hurley offers casually, kicking the sand with one foot, causing Shannon to snicker in the background.

“Cause you’re one of the only people we know who’s not on either list,” Charlie explains, handing the piece of paper over. “But your sister is.”

Boone skims the lists finding Shannon on the good side squeezed in between Walt who was described as asks a lot of questions, independent and Rose who was called a believer, not afraid to speak her mind.

Shannon Rutherford: Blonde and beautiful…,” Boone says, then catches himself before he read the rest out loud.

“That’s it?” Shannon asks, sounding pleased with herself. “Whoever wrote that needs to get a life, but at least they have good taste.”

“Don’t forget the part about wide hips,” Charlie chimes in.

“What?” Before Boone could mediate the situation, Shannon had jumped up and snarled at Charlie, “Wide hips? You think I have wide hips?”

“No, no, no, you have lovely hips.” Charlie’s bravado vanishes in face of Shannon’s fury. “Not that I looked, mind you.”

Boone grabs hold of his sister’s shoulders before she could move onto a physical attack. “Shannon, calm down.”

“Wide hips!”

“Don’t sweat it. At least you’re in the author’s good books. According to this, I’m…” Charlie’s fingers curl into air quotes. “Not worth the trouble.”

Shannon steals the crumpled paper from Boone and scans it. Her lips move as she silently reads through the list of names. When she’s done, she explodes again, jerking her thumb at Hurley. “He’s described as dumb and I’m the one who’s called fat?”

“It says dim, not dumb,” Hurley sputters.

“I’m not on either list,” Boone comments, reading over Shannon’s shoulder. “What does that mean?”

“It means you’re a dork,” Shannon says, still stewing. “Where did you get this?”

“Hurley found it in a plastic baggie under a rock in the jungle.”

“What the hell’s going on?” Sawyer strolls up, a mango in each hand. “All this yammering I can’t hear myself think.”

“Ah Sawyer, right?” Charlie cranes his neck to consult the paper still clutched in Shannon’s fists. “Lazy and Selfish.”

“What’d you say, boss?”

“Not me. The list.” Charlie points to the paper. “Lazy and selfish, but also a survivor. You’re definitely on the bad side, but it could be worse. See what is says for Nikki and Paulo.”

“Who the hell are Nikki and Paulo?” Sawyer and Shannon ask at the same time.

Probably fertile but they shouldn’t procreate,” Hurley contributes. “They’re on the bad list too, along with Sayid, Kate, and Michael.”

Sawyer tosses his mangos to Hurley and plucks the paper from Shannon’s hand. He studies it for a minute, then smirks. “The girl next door who probably killed the girl next door. That sounds about right for Freckles.” He skims it some more. “Too intelligent. Oh sure, it’s Lawrence of Arabia’s brains that doom him, not his bamboo under the nails trick. Not worth the trouble, that’s for sure, Shorty.”

“Hey! At least I’m not unnecessary in the grander scheme of things like Michael.”

“Same difference,” Sawyer shrugs.

“Even the dog made the list,” Boone remarks to no one in particular.

“So who wrote this?” Hurley asks. “Do you think it could be that guy Locke? I mean he seems to have eyes in the back of his head.”

Charlie shakes his head. “Nah, can’t be Mr. Made himself right at home/Wants to be a leader but has yet to be followed. People generally aren’t that perceptive about themselves.”

“Maybe, it’s that science teacher. He was going on and on and on about how annoying everyone was yesterday,” Shannon suggests

“Just like you were a few minutes ago?” Boone mumbles.

“Yeah, yeah, you’re right. I bet this is Dr. Arzt's.” Charlie nods vigorously. “That’s why there’s all those stars next to Claire’s name. He sat next to her on the plane and really likes—.”

“You’ve got it all wrong,” Sawyer interrupts. “This ain’t no list of teacher’s pets. This is Brave New World shit. Someone’s thinking about the future and who they want in it. That’s why they put the happy as long as they’re together Koreans on top of the good list. They want them to settle in and have babies. And apparently Sweetheart,” he addresses Shannon, “you’ve got good birthing hips. Now we just need to find you a mate.”

Shannon wraps her arms around her waist, avoiding her hips. “Gross.”

“And if you like them lazy and selfish, you know where to find me.” Sawyer lets the paper drop to the sand. He takes his mangos back from Hurley and saunters off back to his shelter.

Boone retrieves the list and searches both sides again before handing it to Hurley.

“I don’t want it.”

“Just go put it back where you found it.” Boone holds the paper out, but Hurley still refuses to take it.

“It’s cursed. That could be like our futures or something.”

Boone looks down at it one more time and tries to ignore the chill that runs up his spine. “I guess we should show it to Jack.”

“Good idea.” Charlie pats Boone on the shoulder, then takes Hurley’s arm and begins to pull him away. “You do that and if you find your name in invisible ink, let us know.”

Boone folds the list and tucks it into the front pocket of his jeans, and stares out into the ocean. He thought Shannon had settled back on her towel and is surprised to find her standing behind him.

“Hey, it doesn’t mean anything. If the jerk who wrote that doesn’t see how good you are, then I must be fat.”

“It’s like I’m not even here.”

“You’re here, Boone.”

Shannon drapes one arm around his waist and pulls him to her. They stand there for a few minutes leaning into each other, then she reaches into his pocket and fishes out the list. Shannon walks over to the water, goes in up to her calves, and proceeds to rip up the paper. The pieces dance in the air before they get caught in the waves and are dragged out to sea.

“There,” she says, wiping her hands.


“You’re welcome.”

x x x
Current Mood: busybusy
(Deleted comment)
elliotsmelliot: Charlie ghostelliotsmelliot on July 19th, 2008 06:31 pm (UTC)
because I'm such a desperate need for squee that it's not even funny.

Hopefully when you are Queen, we can all make it up to you and provide you with squeeloads of squee.

I'm glad you liked this and enjoyed the contrasts. Thanks so much for reading.
Creature Of Hobbit: michael: what is thy biddingtellshannon815 on July 19th, 2008 05:29 pm (UTC)
Nikki and Paulo not being meant to procreate made me laugh out loud!
Loved the idea of this, especially Boone and Shannon. Kind of ironic that ethan saw Michael as unecessary in the grand scheme of things, since quite a lot of later plots i.e. the raft, leading to the encounter with the tailies, to Shannon's death and later Ana and Libby's, and so on, arose because of some action by Michael. (That's no way intended as a criticism of your fic, if anything it's of Ethan's foresight!)
elliotsmelliot: Waltelliotsmelliot on July 19th, 2008 06:35 pm (UTC)
I completely agree with you on Michael being useful. I figured Ethan was just being worried Michael might interfere with whatever plans they had for Walt. Thanks so much for reading and commenting!
the female ghost of tom joad: lost -> generaljanie_tangerine on July 19th, 2008 05:50 pm (UTC)
Oh, Boone, you aren't on that idiotic Ethan's list because you are on MY list! ♥

*cough* sorry. Back on track. I had to get that out. Ah, Ethan, you're as insensitive as the writers are, but hey, this was so brilliant I can't even say. I burst out laughing every three lines or so!

The bantering here was perfect. Each of the five of them was just so perfect, I wanted to clap hands or something. And Ethan has got a nice sense of humor I must say, apart from that.

“Why would you think I wrote that?”

“Um…cause you like Jack?”

Okay, if Lenina squees for the Sawyer/Kate can I squee at this? Yes? It's not like he denied it after ;)

LOL at Shannon's hips. I was totally cracking up at her reaction!

“Who the hell are Nikki and Paulo?” Sawyer and Shannon ask at the same time.

“Probably fertile but they shouldn’t procreate,”

And there I cracked up for three minutes or so. Sawyer and Shannon saying that sentences at the same time is just too good for words and fertile but shouldn't procreate? *cracks up again* Now I can get behind Ethan. And sure, Sayid is on the bad side because he has too much brains. I'm behind Sawyer at that. Also, Sawyer proposing to Shannon to be her breeding mate? Now those two would make very pretty children! ;) and seriously, I love how perceptive Ethan's remarks could be (even if I guess he was wrong half of the time) while sounding completely plausible from his POV.

“Even the dog made the list,” Boone remarks to no one in particular.

Aaaaaaaaaawwww, now that one is actually something that could be so canon that I want to squish him even more than usual. Perfect touch I have to say. Also, the stars next to Claire? God, Ethan, you have such a sense of humor.

“Hey, it doesn’t mean anything. If the jerk who wrote that doesn’t see how good you are, then I must be fat.”

Thanks for making me love Shannon all over again. That last bit was so incredibly touching and tender, I actually teared up and not for the laughing. This was such a great read, I loved it!
elliotsmelliot: Shannonelliotsmelliot on July 19th, 2008 06:43 pm (UTC)
I love your icon! Poor polar bear. He didn't make the list either!

Thanks to you, Boone's crush on Jack is totally part of my personal canon now and must be reveled in. I totally agree with Ethan - Nikki and Paulo shouldn't procreate. Of course Ethan would know Sayid couldn't be brainwashed into Other's society, though his whole future partnership with Ben makes that ironic. I'm glad you liked the ending! I originally had them just be bitchy at each other and that didn't work. It seems I made the right choice.
falafel_musings: Lost 3falafel_musings on July 19th, 2008 06:21 pm (UTC)
Welcome back to the Luau, Ell! I'm perfectly delighted with this fic, I must say. It's not too crack, since the character voices are so perfect, but it was ticklishly funny.

I love that you brought back two of the relationships I miss the most - Shannon/Boone and Hurley/Charlie. These pairings are so nostalgic now, but both of them always bring a smile to my face. These characters brought Lost down to a human level which was so quirky and fun. I also love that you added Sawyer to the mix, because - oh man - I used to enjoy Sawyer and his surly obnoxious charisma so much in the early days.

There are so many little characterisation touches that I loved. I had a great mental image of a scrappy!Charlie and a sheepish!Hurley coming to question Boone over the list. Boone's lonely little remark about Vincent being on the list made me want to laugh/cry. I loved Hurley thinking the list is cursed. Shannon ran away with all the best lines.

“God, they’re sooo annoying.”



How I miss the Snark Princess! I love how she ripped up the list and basically gave the Others the finger at the end there. Man, I often talk about Charlie's wasted potiential, but Shannon could have been an amazing character in later seasons. Sigh. Even though it's Ethan's list it sounds like it could've been written by Darlton.

Thanks for this! Love it.
elliotsmelliot: Vincentelliotsmelliot on July 19th, 2008 06:50 pm (UTC)
The show could definitely use Shannon's snark and refusal to go along with the majority. By now she would be the sole voice of reason.

I'm glad my Queen was pleased. It still feels a bit rushed but I wanted to get it down before I lost it. Originally it was going to be Ethan's letter to Ben, but that version turned out too boring. That's twice now, if you're keeping track, that I've weaseled out of your Ethan prompt but not actually writing him.
falafel_musingsfalafel_musings on July 19th, 2008 07:06 pm (UTC)
Originally it was going to be Ethan's letter to Ben, but that version turned out too boring. That's twice now, if you're keeping track, that I've weaseled out of your Ethan prompt but not actually writing him.

Heh! I didn't notice that. But I think you're right that this version is much more entertaining. You still get a strong vibe of Ethan through the list itself. I'm interested in seeing you write Ethan and Richard as creepy BFFs.
elliotsmelliot: richardelliotsmelliot on July 19th, 2008 08:32 pm (UTC)
I still have a lot of blanks on the Richard story. That will be a long time coming I suspect.
(Deleted comment)
elliotsmelliot: Charlie ghostelliotsmelliot on July 19th, 2008 06:51 pm (UTC)
Aw thanks! I'm so glad you liked it.
Shonatoestastegood on July 19th, 2008 08:16 pm (UTC)
\o/ This was so ridiculously funny - and what a cute way of using the list! I am, of course, now wondering whether Vincent ended up on the good or bad side of the list! Brilliant voices for all of them.
elliotsmelliot: Vincent crownelliotsmelliot on July 19th, 2008 08:31 pm (UTC)
Thanks! As for Vincent, I'll leave that up to you to decide. Dog of doom or man's best friend?
pacejunkie: Hurley and Charliepacejunkie on July 20th, 2008 03:25 am (UTC)
This was adorable. I love a fic where the main characters are Charlie, Hurley, Shannon and Boone interacting. We never got enough of the twenty-somethings hanging out together. Your descriptions of everyone were funny and there was a hint of tragedy to it knowing Boone's fate and what the list was really for. Not being on the list its like he's already dead and Ethan knows it. Even the stars next to Claire's name struck me as sad and creepy. Yet you've still managed to keep it light overall and very season one in its innocence. Nice job.
elliotsmelliot: Charlie and hurleyelliotsmelliot on July 20th, 2008 02:04 pm (UTC)
Cute icon! I originally wrote this just as Ethan's list but that was too depressing. I never really paid much attention to Shannon and Boone when I first watched the show but fic has given be a much better appreciation for their characters. Thanks for reading and commenting!
elise: BOONEelise_509 on July 20th, 2008 08:46 pm (UTC)
This is fantastic! Oh so great. I enjoyed every word of it. The list seemed to perfectly in keeping with what the Others would've wanted from this group. The touch about Shannon being on the good side because she has clearly had good genetic makeup and good birthing hips...that's so Others it's not even funny. And poor Boone...of course he wouldn't be on the list in either column. I could see why the Others would be up in the air about his usefulness, seeing as Boone himself isn't so clear on it either.

elliotsmelliot: Locke Booneelliotsmelliot on July 20th, 2008 10:44 pm (UTC)
What a great comment. I'm so glad you liked this. Poor Boone. I have to admit, even when I first knew him, I didn't know what to make of him.
mkfsdj: j fordmrslinus17 on July 21st, 2008 10:13 am (UTC)
That was flawless! So funny and cute! I love this *draws hearts around*
elliotsmelliot: Booneelliotsmelliot on July 21st, 2008 03:02 pm (UTC)
Thanks! *Draws hearts around you*
The Dorkastra2104 on July 21st, 2008 09:01 pm (UTC)
Heeee!!! Of course, that was the list!!! Clever!

But oh, the ending? So sad...poor Boone.
elliotsmelliot: Booneelliotsmelliot on July 22nd, 2008 12:36 am (UTC)
Aw, thanks! Poor Boone, indeed. At least Ethan got what was coming to him.
siluria: Lost_Boonesiluria on July 22nd, 2008 09:30 pm (UTC)
This is a really great scenario, and I'm guessing it's one of Ethan's lists. The dialogue is spot on, and it's sweet that Shannon stands by Boone at the end. Very sweet :)
elliotsmelliot: Shannonelliotsmelliot on July 22nd, 2008 10:48 pm (UTC)
Yes, it's one of Ethan's lists. I'm so glad you found Shannon's behavior at the end sweet. Thanks so much for reading!
alemyrddin: SawyerSmilealemyrddin on July 28th, 2008 10:29 am (UTC)
awww... the ending was lovely. Poor Boone...at least he has Shannon to protect him.

And I loved that Sawyer was the one perceptive enough to figure out what the list meant.
lovely. :)
elliotsmelliot: Sawyer glasseselliotsmelliot on July 28th, 2008 01:29 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I figured Sawyer would be the one to twig onto what's going on. I so glad you enjoyed this!
the story girl: Lost: shannoneponine119 on August 7th, 2008 08:09 pm (UTC)
This is so funny. I love it. This line completely cracked me up:

“Probably fertile but they shouldn’t procreate,”
elliotsmelliot: Booneelliotsmelliot on August 11th, 2008 01:13 am (UTC)
Thank you! That is one way to sum up Nikki and Paulo as characters...